Let’s Do The Time Warp Again…

confused time travel chicken‘What do we want?

‘Time Travel!’

‘When do we want it?’

‘It’s irrelevant…’

Time travel.  It’s a tricky one to get your head around.  In fact, every time I think about the mechanics, ethics and illogicalities of it, I get a migraine and have to lie down with a nice cup of tea and a chocolate digestive…although I was sorely tempted by an opened bottle of white wine when I opened the fridge for the milk this morning (obviously, I was getting the milk out; I wasn’t opening the fridge for the milk).  That can’t be a good sign.

So why in the name of Gallifray, have I chosen time travel as the basis for my children’s book?  Science was not my specialized subject at school.  My talents lay in eating Monster Munch behind the lift-up lid of my desk, back chatting teachers and trying to copy Chemistry homework off the class brainbox.  My highest school-leaving qualifications were in Ceramics (yes, this was a genuine O level) and English Language.  My biggest success in Physics was convincing the teacher that my friend’s name was Lesley (it wasn’t) and laughing at her having to answer to that for the next two years.

But time travel provides so many opportunities for great adventure and conflict, so that’s what I went for.  The story is based around a school for trainee time agents with all the ensuing fun of bizarre lessons, mean teachers and historic escapades.  And, no, it’s nothing like Harry Potter…

There are many (so, so many) theories, concepts and philosophies put forward about time travel.  Is there a single, fixed history that is self-consistent and unchangeable?  Or is history flexible and subject to change?  Maybe there are alternate timelines, so that if a traveller goes back in the past, they create a new timeline but the original timeline doesn’t cease to exist?  Or perhaps a parallel universe opens up each time a past event is changed??  I’ve also got problems such as avoiding glitches caused by the agents bouncing around history, blending the various plot lines together and making the storyline consistent from past to present to future.  Not to mention adding tension, mystery and urgency to the story.

For example, in Chapter 11, the young heroes have just heard that Dad is going to be sacrificed by the Pharaoh at the Opening Ceremony of the Great Pyramid.  Obviously they need to get to Ancient Egypt immediately to save Dad.

‘But why do they need to hurry?’ asked HWW.

‘Because Dad’s about to be killed,’ I replied.  Like, duh.

‘Surely, they could wait another year, another ten years even, and still go back in time to just before Dad is sacrificed and save him?’

‘Yes, but, but…that wouldn’t be very exciting, would it?’

‘And why don’t they go back in time to before Dad went on his time trip to Ancient Egypt and just tell him not to go?’

‘Oh, shut up.’

Honestly, do the writers of Doctor Who have all these difficulties?

timey wimey stuffI’m trying to come up with some rules that the characters in my book are bound by, to help the story make sense and overcome some of the major incongruities – y’know, the Grandfather Paradox or triggering too many parallel universes.   Even if my characters don’t always uphold these rules or attempt to break them, I’d still like them to be written down in a Time Travel Rule Book – or a Timey Wimey Rule Book as the 11th Doctor (who breaks all the rules willy-nilly) might say.

THE BARBEDWORDS RULEBOOK FOR TIME AGENTS:

Be prepared: ANYTHING could happen.  Seriously, always wear a clean pair of knickers and keep a bag of nuts in your bag – it could be a long time till lunch.

Always find an empty space for transporting through time.  You don’t want to materialize during a WI meeting; being pelted with jars of loganberry jam really hurts.

Don’t try to rewrite history.  History can be changed but we don’t know what the impacts would be on our universe so we want to keep things on as even a keel as possible.  For example, if you were to warn the Captain of the Titanic about the iceberg, it could cause catastrophic changes to every iota of history since then, open up parallel universes or possibly cause cracks in time and space.  Things may be bad now, but who knows how dreadful things could be if we make major changes to our collective past?  Plus it would be really hard for me to decide how history was going to go in this new timeline and I don’t think I can be bothered to rewrite history at the same time as attempting to write a children’s adventure book.

NB I’m pretty certain that your 21st Birthday Party doesn’t technically count as ‘shared history’ so if you’d like to go back and change past events so that you didn’t drink too much snakebite, snog Billy Matthews on the kitchen table and then throw up in your mother’s bread maker, this should be ok.

Only a select few can know about Time Travel.   There are baddies out there who want to change history for their own evil purposes – TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD, MWAHAHAHA and for all we know, they’ve already changed certain events in history but we just don’t remember it.  Also, we don’t want Liam Gallagher heading back to the 1960s, trying to get into the Beatles or get off with Brigitte Bardot.

People and objects can’t be brought back from the past/future to the present.  No stocking up on vases from the Ming Dynasty.

You can only do a limited number of trips a month because each trip has a negative impact on the body.   This stops those who’d like to live in Ancient Rome and commute to work at the BBC every day.

Totally gratuitous picture of David Tennant...
Totally gratuitous picture of David Tennant…

You mustn’t kill anyone.  Or do something that would result in someone’s death.  Conversely, you can’t prevent someone from dying who was supposed to die so I’m afraid that goldfish you got from the fair in 1985 will not be given another chance to live longer than three days.

Try to blend in to your chosen era.  We don’t want you moping about in Medieval England, moaning about the stench, looking for a flushing loo and suggesting the peasants try a splash of Old Spice.

All time travel trips are to be authorized and you must return to the location where you began your trip.  No heading off to 1980, stocking up on Apple shares then disappearing into the roaring ’20s to live it up with the Great Gatsby, thanks very much.

Obviously, these rules are for Time Agents only.  The Time Warriors (the baddies) are crazed outlaws, who blast through time and space doing what they blimin’ well please.  And it’s the Time Agents’ job to stop them.   But only after 200 pages of electrifying, nail-biting adventures, of course.

If you could time travel, what would be your first destination?  What would you do (after finding out next week’s winning lottery numbers and buying the winning ticket naturally)?   I’ve already put my name down to go back in time to nab David Tennant before he gets married, so you’ll have to come up with your own ideas. 

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40 thoughts on “Let’s Do The Time Warp Again…”

      1. Well, my great-great-great grandpa was a count, and based on how much my grandpa doted on me, he wouldnt let me settle for anything less that a duke. Who adored me completely 🙂 Though…I really dont mind Levin. We share in the simple country pleasures. Unfortunately he is far too obsessed with the Madonna types.

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              1. Nope 🙂
                I was being a smart-ass, naturally 🙂
                Light reading on Russian history…not sure such exists! But I really would recommend short stories by Pushkin. Easy prose, very visual.

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  1. God, I’m glad I only have to write about simple things like coconuts and campylobacter – this sounds just far too involved! And you’d probably have to care about children and what they might find funny (or not)… doesn’t even bear thinking about. My head would start spinning uncontrollably, like that cherry eating girl’s in the Exorcist.

    Time travel… my first visit would be to Darwin, to tell him to get in touch with Mendel. The two were contemporaries but didn’t know about each other’s work. Mendel had the (genetics) answers that Darwin was so desperately looking for. The Origin Of Species would have turned into an even more mindblowing volume.

    Once that errand was out of the way, I could think of quite a few people I’d like to kill…

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    1. Ok, had to look up campylobacter first; they don’t sound like much fun to say the least. Yes, you do have to think about children when writing for them…luckily I have a couple of ‘in-house reviewers’ who are more than happy to critique my work, usually with some very rude comments!

      Glad to hear that you plan to do something to help science before you turn your hand to murder. Mind you, if you’re going to knock off a few people, you will have to be a Time Warrior, not an Agent 😉

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      1. I think Time Warrior is much more my gig! I like creating havoc 🙂 If I find any kids traipsing after me, I’ll piss acid onto them, Alien-style.
        Good luck with that book. I admire anyone who can churn out something longer than 2,500 words and for it still to make sense. I fail… 😦
        That para with the fridge and the milk made me laugh out loud.

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  2. At least we don’t have to invent time travel, because, as Sheldon says, all we have to do is wait for our future self to invent it and then travel back in time and tell us how to do it.

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  3. I think that you should send these suggesstions to the guys who wrote ‘Cloud Atlas” – I had absolutely no idea what was going on in that film, and apparently the scriptwriters didn’t seem too worried about muddling it all up, either. If I could time travel, I’d go back in time to the 1950’s so that I could live in a world where curvy was beautiful. Oh, and meet Mr Tupper to get things straight about the lids that don’t fit on those damned plastic boxes.

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    1. Just looked up Cloud Atlas – wow, that’s one complicated plot! Sounds good though, would like to watch it.

      Ha ha, I think a lot of people would like to have a word with Mr Tupper!!!

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        1. I’ve read The Time Traveller’s Wife and will be adding Cloud Atlas to my (ever growing) Christmas list! Time Travel is ridiculously complicated! Why didn’t I just choose to write about a talking hamster???

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  4. Excellent post, very funny and it’s given me lots to think about. I’ve also got a headache after reading some of your links.

    Pity you can’t work out some sort of time travel system to make the future you write your book, then go back to the past to publish it and now you would just be enjoying the fruits of your labours!

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  5. I’d go back to early 19th century and swan about with the landed gentry – mainly Mr Darcy. I think I’d enjoy paying visits, taking tea and doing lots of letter writing. Just hope my manners are up to scratch!

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  6. Ooh this sounds brilliant! I have the same issues with writing time travel: I’m fascinated by the concept (when I was little I used to play make believe games in which I travelled back in time and met my parents and grandparents when they were my age and told them all about their lives to come), but when I sit down to figure out the mechanics of a particular story it all gets a bit… timey wimey. Good luck!

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    1. Yes, it’s such a fascinating subject with so many options for great stories…but brain-meltingly difficult! Have you written some time travel stories? After you recommended it, I put the Russell T Davies book on my Christmas list, as I’m really hoping it may shed some light on how he coped with all the timey wimey stuff 😉

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