I’m exhausted. I’ve been cleaning the apartment in honour of visitors from England who are arriving tonight. ‘A little ol’ apartment?’ I hear you say. ‘How long can that take?‘ Two days, that’s how long. TWO DAYS! This apartment is bigger than my entire house and garden in England. The worse thing about cleaning isn’t the actual dusting, polishing and hoovering. It’s every thing else that goes with it:
1) The ‘amusing’ comments I have to endure: ‘Hoovering?? It’s not Christmas yet you know!’ ‘Are you ill? Shall I fetch the doctor?’
2) Turning into a crazy woman. Usually I’m pretty laid back about food, paint and mud on the floor. Like Joey from Friends when Rachel worries about dropping spaghetti: ‘Rach! Hey, it’s fine! You’re at Barb’s Joey’s!’ But when I’ve cleaned the place, I turn on anyone I think may be trying to sabotage Mission Housework: ‘Who dropped this crumb? Come on. Who was it? Right, that’s it. Christmas is cancelled unless somebody owns up. Oh, and by the way, we’ll be eating dinner in the street tonight.’
3) If life is too short to stuff a mushroom, then it’s definitely too short to waste time attempting to remove glitter from a leather sofa. It actually seems to have been stuck on with cement.
4) The salubrious results of all this hard work last for mere seconds. Every time I turn my back, dust comes out of its hiding place, mocking me as it lands on my freshly polished surfaces. Stray feathers drop on the floor in front of me as I put away the hoover. Whirling dervishes dance behind me, scattering Sylvanians, dirty socks and school bags in my wake.
5) Life always conspires against my dream of a clean home. This time, the minute I’d finished my cleansing ministerings, Beyoncé Bunny came to stay for half-term. I watched, speechless, as stacks of hay, rabbit fur and little brown raisin poops sullied my beautifully clean floor.
Seriously, what is the point??? But at least today I’ll be rewarded with a suitcase full of goodies – Dairy Milk, Cadbury’s Drinking Chocolate, Sunpat Peanut Butter, Pot Noodles. Mmmmm, hurry up food friends…
BARBED WORDS 
Poor bunny looks like it’s been assimilated by the Borg 😉 Those friends better watch out…
LikeLike
Yes, resistance is futile!
LikeLike
Those dust bunnies don’t know what’s coming…
LikeLike
Is it considered cannibalism if Beyoncé Bunny eats the dust bunnies?
LikeLike
If it eats dust bunnies, it’ll stop producing pellets! You really do need to read the manual…
LikeLike
Have checked the manual and you’re quite right. So Beyonce has been released to roam the apartment like a rabbit robovac, eating all the dust bunnies it can find (let’s just say it won’t go hungry) 😉
LikeLike
Who’d ever stuff a mushroom when Waitrose stock them? Actually, why bother making anything from scratch if Waitrose sell it? You know they’re just going to do it better than you!
LikeLike
Please don’t mention Waitrose – I miss it soooo much! Roll on Christmas when I shall be worshipping in the aisles…
LikeLike
Good on you! The only time I do a ‘proper’ clean is when friends come to visit! The food makes it all worth while. Oh, and the company, of couse… 🙂
LikeLike
Yes, I’m starting to drool over the thought of Pot Noodles – something I eat about once every five years in England but now that I can’t have them, they’re all I can think about!
LikeLike
They would not be one of my cravings but each to their own 😉 Just had some proper pork sausages – goddamn they were good!
LikeLike
Very jealous, I definitely failed not adding sausages to the list. Will make up for it at Christmas by scoffing copious amounts of pigs in blankets, devils on horsebacks, pulled pork, hot dogs and roast pork with apple sauce. It will be 12 Days of Meat Feast Fest…
LikeLike
Ha ha, that’s the (Christmas?) spirit! What is a devil on horseback?!
LikeLike
Devils on horsebacks are so good. Streaky bacon wrapped around a prune then baked in the oven. Yummy!
LikeLike
Hmm, now there’s something I would never have thought of doing with my bacon… Sort of glad I’m not very creative with my food! I’ll stick with bacon and eggs! Lady of the Cakes will have a field-day with this one though – prunes are her area of expertise 😉
LikeLike
Maybe next time you bake you could try a bacon and prune cake?? Actually, that sounds good – think I’m going to give it a go!
LikeLike
Ha ha! Let me know how that one works out!
LikeLike
LoL, back in my NYC days, in advance of my Russian Mother’s visit from Mother Russia, I had my BFF take a train from Connecticut for a weekend of cleaning my STUDIO apartment (I paid her AND took her to dinner, I am not evil). We took everything off the shelves, washed windows, washed WALLS. And then, if, lets say, Mother Dearest was arriving mid-week, I would not eat at home and tried to crash at a friend’s place anyway, so that mine would remain pristine.
LikeLike
I would love to banish the family for the day until the visitors arrive. I’m fighting a losing battle here. Bunny is scattering hay, seeds and nuts everywhere. The children have built a huge run out of cushions, boxes and chairs in the middle of the living room. Dust is settling rapidly. It actually looks worse than when I started two days ago 😦
LikeLike
Good on you for doing it. I’ve been forced to clean up the apartment once a month when our demented landlord comes and GOD FORBID anyone eat anything before she arrives or I’ll go off the deep end.
LikeLike
Once a month is a bit excessive for cleaning isn’t it?? My favourite quote is still Joan Rivers: “I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
LikeLike
Great quote. So true. Once a month is far too taxing for me 😦
LikeLike
It’s always great when friends arrive, open their suitcases and pull out loads of the goodies we can’t buy here! Roll on tonight, I’m salivating at the thought of Dairy Milk, and slightly warming to the Pot Noodles.
LikeLike
You actually think you’re getting your hands on any of it???
LikeLike
#4 is what gets me every time. I mop the floor, and lo and behold — a clump of fur or a mud track appears to thwart my every effort. Sometimes I nearly want to let the dust bunnies take over the apartment.
Happy to have found your blog through LOTC! Have a wonderful time with your friends.
LikeLike
Yes, cleaning only provides a fleeting moment of pleasure, doesn’t it? The dust bunnies I found behind the bed this morning were so huge, they could easily take over the world, never mind the apartment! Glad to have found your blog too – good ol’ LOTC!
LikeLike
I love your little bunny! I swept then mopped our floors three times this morning, I mean, I only do it once a week so may as well make it shine. All the other women round town polish and shine on a daily basis, I prefer to drink wine. 🙂 Enjoy your company and chocolate.
LikeLike
Daily??? Polish and shine daily??? Good grief, hand me a glass of wine and a bar of Dairy Milk immediately!!
LikeLike
Yes, I am not joking … daily. It did make me feel guilty for about 3 seconds, then I got over it pretty fast.
LikeLike
Wine really helps to assuage guilt, doesn’t it 😉
LikeLike
Yes, it certainly makes the dust bunnies seem invisible. 😉
LikeLike
Well, I hope your friends appreciate your cleaning efforts. Hopefully they’ll have read this post so they’ll know to say ‘wow, your apartment looks amazing!’ when they arrive. And, if not, just keep the food parcel and send them packing!
LikeLike
I like your thinking – with any luck, they’ll hand over the goodies first so I’m a winner either way! (I am looking forward to seeing our friends as well as the food, honestly!)
LikeLike
Don’t worry, I believe you…
LikeLike
Life is too short! And then somehow there’s someone visiting who you think worthy of an extra special clean. I’d maybe plan my visitors every 6 months, then you get the timing right, cos every now & then (maybe twice a year) it can feel virtuous to get the home spruced up …..but with children you aint ever going to keep it that way for long! (Unless you want to scar them for life that is, & I’m guessing you’re not that kind of mum! x)
Enjoy your visitors, enjoy the taste of “home” xx
LikeLike
Yes, every six months sounds perfect – once for summer and once for Christmas. If I can keep the children and the bunny tied up for just another hour until our friends get here and can see it looking clean, I’ll be happy…whaddya mean, the ropes are too tight?? Stop trying to escape and it’ll be fine 😉
LikeLike
Ha ha, I’ve always appreciated the ‘treat children (and rabbits) like dogs’ school of parenting!
LikeLike
I wish! The children and Beyonce are running rings around me…honestly, if that bunny asks for another glass of prosecco and a bowl of olives, I’ll flip!
LikeLike
What I want to say is that life is to short for cleaning! In reality I’m queen of the bleach 😦 I need order around me, and the handles on the mugs all facing the same way, and my books arranged in size order (OCD perhaps?). It amuses Matt to turn the mug handles around the wrong way, or put a book back in the wrong place! Is that funny? I think not!
Jane x
LikeLike
Wow, you can come to stay with me, we’d make a great team – I’ll make the mess and you can enjoy tidying up after me…;) Having my books in size order and mugs all facing the same way would be an interesting experience! x
LikeLike
Great, I’m the worlds best house cleaner 🙂 Once you have tried having your books in order of size, you won’t want them any other way, ha, ha! I think I must be a nightmare to live with to be honest. I’m training my love not to bypass the dishwasher to put his cup in the sink…. it’s a work in progress….
Jane x
LikeLike
Sadly, it’s the other way round in this house…the tidiness and cleanliness genes seem to have passed me by. If there was someway of obtaining them, I would be delighted but think once you’ve reached adulthood, it’s too late 😉
LikeLike
Ha, I definitely got the cleaning gene in our family! What is it they say, tidy house, tidy mind? Clean house, clean mind? Oh, I don’t know, except to say cleaning’s my thing and that ain’t never gonna change!
LikeLike
Does that mean I have a dirty mind??? Feel free to come and clean here anytime you want…
LikeLike