Beauty School Dropout

pamper schamper cartoon

The Italian Mammas at my children’s school are all extremely glamorous.  They’re thin – none of them look as though they’ve ever consumed a slice of pizza, let alone an entire Hawaiian washed down with several beers.  They dress in high heels and their designer label clothes are chic and tailored.  Their hair is coiffed, they wear heavy make-up and quite a few of them have an enhanced trout pout.

I am not a skinny Minnie.  I’m happy if my hair has been brushed that week and my idea of full make-up is a slick of lip salve.  I don’t do heels and I live in a pair of slouchy jeans bought on sale from F&F (yes, from the fashion mecca that is Tesco…).  As long as young children don’t run screaming when I leave the house, then I’m good to go.

But, in the spirit of becoming more Italian, I wasted spent a whole morning attempting to bring myself up to the polished heights of these Roman yummy mummies.  I removed dead skin from feet (a Black & Decker sander came in handy), I removed 60% of my body hair (including from strange places that never sprouted hair twenty years ago), I exfoliated, I buffed.  I gave myself a pedicure and a manicure.  A facial.  And at the end of the morning, I look exactly the same and was bloody knackered.  How on earth can anyone call this ‘pampering’?

Why do magazines like Cosmo or Vogue persist in running articles about treating yourself with a pedicure or having some well deserved Me Time* by spending an evening in with a face pack.   The Cosmo website features articles such as ‘Your beach body begins here’, ’10 steps to perfect skin’ or ‘Oy wrinkley!  How dare you show your bingo wings and turkey neck in public?!’   Ok, possibly not that last one.

I’m sure FHM has never written an article for men entitled ‘Why not pamper yourself with a shave’ or ‘Enjoy some Me Time in the shower’ (although on second thoughts…)  But for some crazy reason women are supposed to enjoy this constant effort of making themselves look acceptable to society.

Well, we don’t.  Or is it just me, and you love to spend time ensuring you don’t turn into an old crone with chin whiskers and feet tough enough to walk on nails??  Let me know!

*I can’t bear this expression: Me Time.  I find it incredibly annoying and a bit demeaning that it’s usually used about women doing stereotypical lady activities such as relaxing in a bubble bath with a low-calorie hot chocolate.  Why do men just get to spend time doing the crossword, fixing a car or playing golf without it being given a ridiculous and patronising label?

Now I think about it, there are so many other phrases that annoy me that they deserve a whole post of their own – watch this space.   (Actually, that could be one of them!)


21 thoughts on “Beauty School Dropout”

  1. Ha ha, very funny. I’m happy if there’s no food in my beard and my t-shirt has been worn for less than a week!

    I agree that Me Time is an annoying expression. Maybe it should be renamed ‘Get That Wine Open Immediately’ Time??


  2. You are right on the money with this one. Clever you. But you should not demean yourself. Your beautiful skin is to be envied. And thank god you haven’t fallen for all this pimping & preening. Good example for my Grandaughters.


    1. There’s definitely no pimping going on here!! Nor any primping either. I’m sure the children will be much more into beauty and fashion than I’ve ever been, it’s all around them nowadays. Good luck to them if they’ve got the energy (and money)!


  3. LOL!
    I hate all that stuff. I do a certain amount of maintenance, but I don’t enjoy any of it.
    Right now, for example, I desperately need to go to the hairdresser. It’s starting to mat. I only subject myself to it three to four times a year, and every second I spend in that deafening hell hole called ‘salon’ hurts. And since they’ve started insisting on giving you silly ‘massages’, when all they’re meant to do just wash your hair so they can cut it properly, it’s even worse. I tell them upfront not to bother.
    Then they will insist that I need colour. My hair’s going rather grey, this is true, but what’s the awful alternative, I ask you?!? If I left them to it, I’d be in that salon every flippin’ month, or I’d be baking my roots at home, creating a dreadful mess, that I’d have to clear up afterwards. Me Time!? Me Bloody Arse!


    1. Wow, I’m impressed – 3 or 4 hairdresser visits a year. That’s 2 or 3 more than me! I hate the massages too, I think they’re supposed to be relaxing but having some gum-chewing 16 year old dig her fingers into my scalp is not my ideal way to unwind.
      Grey is the new black apparently – even Rihanna went grey over the summer so you’re bang on trend (another dreadful expression to add to my list!!)


  4. Funny and glamorous! I’m not sure how the women of this country to do, but they are always right on with appreances. I can’t imagine going to the supermarket in heels, and make-up! I mean, there are cobblestones, dog poop, kittens, and cars to contend with on the streets here, no way, give me sneakers any day! Great post. I may have to make a cartoon myself! 😉


    1. I’m with you – why would anyone need to ever wear anything other than sneakers?? They go with everything, are super comfortable and are way cooler than heels!

      Look forward to seeing your cartoon image! 🙂


  5. Great post, you’re very funny. I think ‘Me Time’ should be renamed ‘Get Me Away From My Family Before I Slap Someone, Probably My Husband, Time’…but the ‘Get That Wine Open Immediately Time’ works too!


  6. This made me laugh out loud! What is it with the stupid head massage thing at hairdressers? I thought I was the only one who found it annoying to have some 16 year old ripping my hair out with her nail extensions 🙂
    Phrases I hate? ‘It ticks all of the boxes’ Stop me someone before I start on all of the other phrases I hate!
    Jane x


    1. Ooh, yes, I hate that one too! There are so many phrases that I hear people use on a daily basis and I cringe every time – it’s not a phrase but I particularly hate to hear the letter H pronounced as ‘haitch’. It’s AITCH for goodness sakes! Someone in my old office used to spell out the company email whilst on the phone and they would say always ‘haitch’. My work BFF and I would raise our eyebrows at each other every time!


  7. Don’t worry, most of them have zero sense of humour or personality. So when they lose their looks they’ll be nothing but an empty botox shell.


    1. Now that’s an interesting thought – what will these botox ladies look like in their 80s??? Will they just keep having it done until their faces literally can’t move? I do see some elderly Italian Donatella Versace lookalikes, dressed in short skirts, fur coats and bright red lipstick, tottering around on their high-heels, miniature dog tucked under one arm – I’m never sure if I should be horrified, amused or impressed!


  8. Great post! It just goes to show that a lot of women find better, and more fun, things to do than waste time in salons, beauty parlours or in front of mirrors.


    1. Absolutely, I’m sure we could think of a hundred better things to do – and if they all involve a good book and a large glass of wine, then so much the better! My friend’s MIL makes me laugh. She always says: not only would she prefer to go to bed with a good book than do anything involving hanky-panky, she’d even prefer to go to bed with a bad book!


  9. Great post. I definitely agree with the fact that women waste a good amount of time in beauty parlours and salons while they could be having a great time with their family and friends.
    But, there are many people who are passionate about making other people look beautiful.


Anything to add?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s