It’s been great fun to reconnect with so many of you on Facebook in the last couple of months. Can’t believe it’s been nearly 30 years since some of us last met and I’m really looking forward to the reunion. However, I’ve had a good nose flick though many of your photo albums and I’m a bit worried about how ridiculously good you all look. Slim and tanned in miniscule bikinis on Caribbean beaches. Effortlessly gorgeous in tight-fitting designer jeans at Robbie Williams concerts. Glamorous in sequined evening dresses with big Cheryl Cole hair at Hen Nights and May Balls. Hmmm.
When the idea of the reunion was first mooted back in March, my immediate thought was, ‘Excellent, almost four months to go. I can drop two stone by then no problem.’ It’s not that I was circus lady lardy, just a tad bigger than average. Sarah Millican as opposed to Jo Brand. But I wanted to compete with all you MILFs. For someone to say, ‘Wow! You look amazing, you haven’t changed a bit!’
A strict diet was called for. It hasn’t been easy; there’s been a lot of temptation put in my path to the perfect body. Summer is party season – pool parties, barbeques, picnics. Sausages. Chicken wings. Pizza. Strawberry tarts. Gelato. All pretty hard to resist. The note I stuck on the fridge door with SCHOOL REUNION!!!!! written in big, neon pink letters eyed me with reproach me every time I attempted to remove an ice-cold beer. ‘Put it back,’ it whispered. ‘You know you should have a Diet Coke. Grapes instead of chocolate. Fizzy water not prosecco. Lettuce. Carrots. Dust.’
Now there’s a week to go until we meet. So just how slim and gorgeous do I look?? Jennifer Aniston skinny? Beyoncé bootylicious?? Sadly not. I’m afraid to say that I gave in to it all. Every last sausage, slice of cake and glass of red wine. I didn’t lose a pound. Not one. In fact, if I’m totally honest, the only poundage activity that has occurred has been in the ‘piling ‘em on’ department. Oh well, at least you’ll easily recognise me at the reunion – I’ll be the one rocking the major muffin top and super-size-me bingo wings, propping up the bar with a large glass of wine and a packet of crisps.
Don’t judge me…