Another One Bites The Dust

This is before I even start...

This is before I even start…

I’m exhausted.  I’ve been cleaning the apartment in honour of visitors from England who are arriving tonight.  ‘A little ol’ apartment?’ I hear you say.  ‘How long can that take?‘  Two days, that’s how long.  TWO DAYS!  This apartment is bigger than my entire house and garden in England.   The worse thing about cleaning isn’t the actual dusting, polishing and hoovering.  It’s every thing else that goes with it:

1) The ‘amusing’ comments I have to endure:   ‘Hoovering??  It’s not Christmas yet you know!’  ‘Are you ill?  Shall I fetch the doctor?

2) Turning into a crazy woman.  Usually I’m pretty laid back about food, paint and mud on the floor.  Like Joey from Friends when Rachel worries about dropping spaghetti: ‘Rach!  Hey, it’s fine!  You’re at Barb’s Joey’s!’  But when I’ve cleaned the place, I turn on anyone I think may be trying to sabotage Mission Housework:  ‘Who dropped this crumb?  Come on.  Who was it?  Right, that’s it.  Christmas is cancelled unless somebody owns up.  Oh, and by the way, we’ll be eating dinner in the street tonight.’

3) If life is too short to stuff a mushroom, then it’s definitely too short to waste time attempting to remove glitter from a leather sofa.  It actually seems to have been stuck on with cement.

4) The salubrious results of all this hard work last for mere seconds.  Every time I turn my back, dust comes out of its hiding place, mocking me as it lands on my freshly polished surfaces.  Stray feathers drop on the floor in front of me as I put away the hoover.  Whirling dervishes dance behind me, scattering Sylvanians, dirty socks and school bags in my wake.

If you can manage this, you're allowed to stay

If you can manage this, you’re allowed to stay

5) Life always conspires against my dream of a clean home.  This time, the minute I’d finished my cleansing ministerings, Beyoncé Bunny came to stay for half-term.  I watched, speechless, as stacks of hay, rabbit fur and little brown raisin poops sullied my beautifully clean floor.

Seriously, what is the point???  But at least today I’ll be rewarded with a suitcase full of goodies – Dairy Milk, Cadbury’s Drinking Chocolate, Sunpat Peanut Butter, Pot Noodles.  Mmmmm, hurry up food friends…

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44 thoughts on “Another One Bites The Dust

  1. Who’d ever stuff a mushroom when Waitrose stock them? Actually, why bother making anything from scratch if Waitrose sell it? You know they’re just going to do it better than you!

  2. LoL, back in my NYC days, in advance of my Russian Mother’s visit from Mother Russia, I had my BFF take a train from Connecticut for a weekend of cleaning my STUDIO apartment (I paid her AND took her to dinner, I am not evil). We took everything off the shelves, washed windows, washed WALLS. And then, if, lets say, Mother Dearest was arriving mid-week, I would not eat at home and tried to crash at a friend’s place anyway, so that mine would remain pristine.

    • I would love to banish the family for the day until the visitors arrive. I’m fighting a losing battle here. Bunny is scattering hay, seeds and nuts everywhere. The children have built a huge run out of cushions, boxes and chairs in the middle of the living room. Dust is settling rapidly. It actually looks worse than when I started two days ago :(

  3. Good on you for doing it. I’ve been forced to clean up the apartment once a month when our demented landlord comes and GOD FORBID anyone eat anything before she arrives or I’ll go off the deep end.

  4. It’s always great when friends arrive, open their suitcases and pull out loads of the goodies we can’t buy here! Roll on tonight, I’m salivating at the thought of Dairy Milk, and slightly warming to the Pot Noodles.

  5. #4 is what gets me every time. I mop the floor, and lo and behold — a clump of fur or a mud track appears to thwart my every effort. Sometimes I nearly want to let the dust bunnies take over the apartment.
    Happy to have found your blog through LOTC! Have a wonderful time with your friends.

    • Yes, cleaning only provides a fleeting moment of pleasure, doesn’t it? The dust bunnies I found behind the bed this morning were so huge, they could easily take over the world, never mind the apartment! Glad to have found your blog too – good ol’ LOTC!

  6. I love your little bunny! I swept then mopped our floors three times this morning, I mean, I only do it once a week so may as well make it shine. All the other women round town polish and shine on a daily basis, I prefer to drink wine. :) Enjoy your company and chocolate.

  7. Well, I hope your friends appreciate your cleaning efforts. Hopefully they’ll have read this post so they’ll know to say ‘wow, your apartment looks amazing!’ when they arrive. And, if not, just keep the food parcel and send them packing!

  8. Life is too short! And then somehow there’s someone visiting who you think worthy of an extra special clean. I’d maybe plan my visitors every 6 months, then you get the timing right, cos every now & then (maybe twice a year) it can feel virtuous to get the home spruced up …..but with children you aint ever going to keep it that way for long! (Unless you want to scar them for life that is, & I’m guessing you’re not that kind of mum! x)
    Enjoy your visitors, enjoy the taste of “home” xx

    • Yes, every six months sounds perfect – once for summer and once for Christmas. If I can keep the children and the bunny tied up for just another hour until our friends get here and can see it looking clean, I’ll be happy…whaddya mean, the ropes are too tight?? Stop trying to escape and it’ll be fine ;)

  9. What I want to say is that life is to short for cleaning! In reality I’m queen of the bleach :-( I need order around me, and the handles on the mugs all facing the same way, and my books arranged in size order (OCD perhaps?). It amuses Matt to turn the mug handles around the wrong way, or put a book back in the wrong place! Is that funny? I think not!
    Jane x

    • Wow, you can come to stay with me, we’d make a great team – I’ll make the mess and you can enjoy tidying up after me…;) Having my books in size order and mugs all facing the same way would be an interesting experience! x

      • Great, I’m the worlds best house cleaner :-) Once you have tried having your books in order of size, you won’t want them any other way, ha, ha! I think I must be a nightmare to live with to be honest. I’m training my love not to bypass the dishwasher to put his cup in the sink…. it’s a work in progress….
        Jane x

        • Sadly, it’s the other way round in this house…the tidiness and cleanliness genes seem to have passed me by. If there was someway of obtaining them, I would be delighted but think once you’ve reached adulthood, it’s too late ;)

  10. Ha, I definitely got the cleaning gene in our family! What is it they say, tidy house, tidy mind? Clean house, clean mind? Oh, I don’t know, except to say cleaning’s my thing and that ain’t never gonna change!

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